Derby Weekend 08: Day 3 (Derby Day)

Derby Day was upon us and we were ready to roll...after strip search, a quick $40 cash at the gate and a $9 mint julep for all, we had officially arrived. We wasted no time heading for the infield and came upon a sweet open spot at the start of turn three, just off the path and spitting distance to a beer stand (and the KFC truck!). The fools in front of us had a tent which is why the spot was so wide open, but we staked the spot anyway, it was close to the fence and slightly away from the true madness of turn 3 so it was all good. Rob and Scott were so excited they demanded I take their picture while sharing a man-hug and a frosty mint julep.

Another sweet thing about our spot was the sheer genius of our spot neighbors. It's always amazing to see the methods by which people manage to sneak booze into the Derby. There are strict rules about what you can bring in and what you can't, and anything you bring with you has to be in clear plastic bags. You are allowed to bring food, but no drinks, no coolers, etc. Every time you go through the gates at Derby you see somebody who just tried to tape booze to themselves and it was easily found. Among the interesting methods employed by our generous neighbors were:

• A dozen oranges with a hold punched in them and soaked in Everclear - my eyes watered just smelling them, and half of one was enough to to start feeling a bit of a buzz (well, half of one plus two mint juleps and 6 beers)


• A chick to the left of us miraculously went from a D-cup to an A-cup after she pulled four plastic baggies full of booze from her bosom; somehow we resisted the temptation to suckly from her booze-teat, though the offer was out there


• The boys to our right (all clad in flight suits and Top Gun costumes), had somehow concealed a fifth of booze in loaves of bread - I'm still not quite sure how they did it because the loaves looked whole and unbroken, but it was high skill indeed

Fortunately for us, Derby day was warm and dry, and the previous days' showers left quite a bit of mud all over the infield, which in turn led to fantastic displays of mud-catfights, mud-slip'n'slides, and the like, in addition to the ritual baring of the breasts for tiny plastic half-cent trinkets. Nothing like a few thousand binge drinkers in one place on a nice sunny day (at least for the first half of the day, until they start dropping like flies).

Menawhile, Tommy tried to explain betting on the ponies to the three virgins...this took a while of course, and I think they need some follow-up lessons, but oen by one we made it over the betting windows to place our bets for all the races that day (there are about 12 races on Derby Day, the #10 race being the actual Kentucky Derby). Tommy did his usual mix of sly WPSs, exactas/boxes, and trifectas/boxes, all based solely on the names of the horses and their odds, nothing more. One little filly really caught his eye though - Baroness Thatcher - no doubt named after the GI Joe character, who is a focal point for one of C-Note and Bilbo's many self-produced acoustic hits. Though the odds were long against the Baroness, Tommy keenly paired the Baroness with Intangaroo, another horse with crappy odds but a cool name, in a $2 exacta box. Sure enough, come race 8 they finished Intagaroo - Baroness 1-2, earning Tommy a cool $450. As is the custom, Tommy returned to the group spot with beers for all, while blowing his nose on $100 bills.

Few people know that there are other very well-known races on Derby Day besides the Kentucky Derby. Perhaps best of all is the annual Porta-Potty Dash, where drunken folks attempt to sprint across a row of approximately 30 porta-potties all lined up side by side, while the bystanders hurl any available object at them in an attempt to knock them off course. Poor Lamar happened to be pissing in a porta-potty during one of the preliminary heats and reported a near-miss of his head (the one on top), as the roof of his porta-potty collapsed under somebody's foot. Here's one example of an uncontested preliminary heat:

Sometime in the late afternoon, after countless $6 tall-boys, they played the bugle, sang the song, and off we were in the 134th running of the Kentucky Derby. I think this one moment is the only time that most of the infield quiets down and focuses on the race. About a third of the infield is way past passed out at this point, as was Lamar after he stole somebody's comfy chair.

My official ruling is that Lamar is still a Derby Virgin, due to this gross violation of protocol. Unfortunately, neither Ells nor Robodo nor Lamar had much beginner's luck at the betting windows, leaving Tommy the biggest winner for the day. As the sun set on Churchill Downs and another Derby was put in the books, we headed out and grubbed at Wick's, the Lousville version of Woodstocks. We hit Bardstown Road for one more night of Derby madness, some White Castle late night action, and the next thing we know Tommy was being stopped for speeding (damn speed trap right here) on our way to the Indy airport. Until next year...

Derby Weekend 2008: Day 1

2008 marked Tommy's 7th annual Kentucky Derby experience, and with 3 Derby virgins in tow, it was a near certainty to be one of the best. It all started with a leisurely drive from Indianapolis airport that began with a hawk being electrocted on the power lines above the road and literally dropping straight down to the pavement. Little did we know this was a sign of things to come.

We hit Louisville in about 2 hours, headed straight for a gas station, and purchased the following critical supplies:

• 3 Bud Light 40 oz.


• 1 King Cobra 40 oz.


• 3 18 packs Bud Light/Miller Lite/Coors


• 3 Whatchamacalit candy bars (no, these were not purchased by Tommy)

One 40 oz and a few beers each in, we headed for a new event on the Derby weekend schedule, which is sure to become a regular standing item. The Louisville German-American Club Wing Ding is on the Thursday of Derby weekend, and it's all you can drink beer & all you can eat wings for $25. The G-A Club reminded me of the UC Davis Irish Club, of which I was an esteemed member and whose only reasons for existence I could understand were to 1) make t-shirts, 2) drink Irish beers, and 3) pad college resumes (in that order, of course). This is a good thing. Tommy will be renewing his membership to the G-A Club of Louisville every year from here on out. It was also not more than 10 minutes in the door until Ells was solicited by a down-home Kentucky single mom who REALLY wanted him to come home to her hot tub (both Thursday night and each night thereafter, the text message barrages would begin). In typical Ells fashion, he entertained just long enough to get pissed off at himself, then he really started putting down the all you can drink beers.

After our fill of beers, wings, and single moms, we headed out to the bars along Bardstown Road where most of us boozed the rest of the night away, while Robodo fell alseep on the patio at Molly Malones. Thankfully a swift kick from Tommy woke him right up, without even spilling a drop of beer.

ToddorTommy Rides Again, Derby Virgins FAQ

I'm happy to announce that toddortommy.com is back (again), hopefully the blog format will be both easier to update and easier to read. Not to mention cheaper. Still working out some of the technical issues with connecting to the old URL but give it a month and it will be back. For now, we've got Picnic Day in our rearview and Derby on the immediate horizon. This year it's Tommy plus three Derby virgins. As part of their intense preparation for the trip, the following Derby virgins FAQ was provided.

What do I need to pack?

In terms of clothes, Derby (at least the style we'll do it in) is definitely a casual weekend - the real start of summer. There are a couple bars in one nightlife area that might have an issue if you aren't wearing shoes (and admittedly, with the number of people there I would recommend shoes), but this is definitely not the place for blazers and Vegas-like clubbing wear. Bring on the popped collars and khaki shorts, just like the rest of the southern college kids!For race day, I do recommend bringing a light rain jacket of some kind in case we get cool and/or sprinkly weather; if the forecast is for rain, it will still probably be warm but it will be VERY sloppy, to the point that it doesn't even make sense to bring a jacket, only clothes that you can leave in Kentucky. And of course don't forget your fancy hat with all the flowers that you spent a few hundred dollars on and brought in a hat box all the way from Californie.

How do we get into the race? Where will we sit?

Unlike the landed gentry who will be occupying the grandstands, we'll be in the heart of all drunken action - the infield. All we have to do is pay $40 cash at the gate, get strip-searched, and we're in; there are no assigned seats - it's first come, first served. As long as we get to the track by noon we should be able to find a spot - obviously the earlier we get there, the better our spot will be. And the place to be every year is the 3rd turn, the notoriously non-family friendly section. We'll claim our spot by throwing down a tarp (purchased as part of the Indianapolis-Louisville Cannonball Run on Thursday afternoon). If we're lucky we'll be sandwiched between a beer cart and a bachelorette party. Even with admission to the infield, we can still walk around the grandstand area, head to the betting windows, see the horses pre-race, etc. The key is to get there and claim a spot with our tarp so we can be free to wander as needed. There are 11 races on Derby day, the Derby is the tenth race.

What else are we going to do other than go to the Derby?

Derby weekend is a big-ass party. Bring your drinking shoes, drinking hat, whatever else you need to subsist on a liquid diet for 3 days. Of course most of the big partying is done in the evening, so that leaves Friday daytime to whatever sounds interesting - Waffle House, Louisville Slugger museum, the pre-Derby race known as the Kentucky Oaks, minor league baseball (Reds' AAA), the local Wal-Mart (very entertaining), and if we're really lucky like we were that one year, a barefoot & pregnant stripper eating a single BBQ rib with her bare hands (while asking for a lap dance) - now if that doesn't get you fired up, I don't know what will.

What is the biggest pain in the ass about Derby weekend?

Definitely transportation. Taxis are in very short supply, in fact many enterprising Louisville-ians just drive around in minivans and offer rides for $20, $40, whatever; I'm sure we'll have the pleasure of that experience at least once. The good news is, getting between the track and our hotel is very easy, buses to the track leave from across the street. It's just getting back and forth between the hotel & the nightlife spots that can be challenging (assuming said nightlife spots do not include the RVs parked in the vicinity of the track).

And, in honor of one of history's greatest toddortommy all-stars, here's a quick pic from Derby past: